A sense of direction

I was born with a terrible birth defect. It wasn't discovered until I turned 16. All of a sudden, I would find myself lost with no idea which direction to turn. Cardinal directions meant nothing to me in the real world. Yes, that's right, I was born without a sense of direction.

This defect earned me my first cell phone out in California, where Jeff had visions of me pulling over to ask directions in Compton and getting my head blown off. I was ALWAYS lost in California for the first 3 years or so (this was aggravated by the fact I changed jobs so much in the first 3 years...and each job was in a very different location).

Then I moved to blessed Louisville. There are about 4 major streets, and no matter how lost you get, you bump into one of those streets and you can find your way home. Also, it has the added benefit of having a river to the north and west of it (as in , "crap, I've hit the river...better turn around),virtually no civilization to the south or west of it (as in, "crap, where did all the buildings and businesses go...better turn around). Have I mentioned to y'all how much I loved Louisville?

Now I'm in sense of direction hell. Apparently, the east coast is really old. And back in the old days, people didn't appreciate logic in setting up their towns. Streets don't run straight, and if they do, they randomly change names...with no warning to imbeciles like me.

As an example, here are ACTUAL directions given to me to get to my pediatrician's office. I AM NOT BEING FUNNY...THESE ARE THE ACTUAL DIRECTIONS! (street names have been changed so crazy people reading my blog can't find where I live...you know who I'm talking about, people.)

Take a left out of your neighborhood. When the road deadends, turn right onto Cumberland St.
At the first light, turn left onto Hulmeville Rd.
Go straight for about half a mile. At the next light, turn left onto Hulmeville Rd.
At the 3rd light, turn right onto Silver Pine Dr.
At the first light, turn left onto Silver Pine Dr. You will pass over the freeway.
At the 2nd light, turn right onto Heathcliff. The doctor's office is on the right, at the light where Heathcliff turns into Makefield Valley Rd.


Okay, did you notice how 3 times in those short directions, the streets take a 90 degree turn, but keep their name??? What the *!!&????

So now you know. If I don't update this blog for a few days, I'm probably wandering the streets of my new town, with no idea where I am.